Are you going to be sad forever?- Growing from Pain

  My oldest son Gavin was almost 16 and 1 hour late for curfew. I was pacing the floor when he came in. He had been with his friend a brand new driver. He really couldn't understand why I was so upset. Thats when I heard myself repeating my moms words. "One day you'll have children and then you will understand" followed by you are grounded. The words hit such a cord as they came out. I was transported back ,  I could see my own mom,furious ,because I was moving out of the house. I wouldn't listen to reason, I couldn't understand why she would be concerned. I had a plan and I had saved my own money. It was after all, MY LIFE!  She was gone before I really got it.  Once I had head strong teenagers of my own I could see her point of view. Thats how life is at least it has been for me.

Never really understanding until you have had the experience.

Greif is no different than other life experiences.  Sometimes we want people to understand and they  can't , hopefully they will never need to understand. There is grief the I lost my mom, my sibling, my  partner , horrible sad I just don't know how I can make it through this grief. Then there is the grief of losing child, the I don't want to live without my child.  I can't live without my child.

When my mom died I just couldn't imagine life without her. She wasn't my best friend far from it. We rarely agreed on anything but my life was framed by debates with mom. I knew my children would be cared for if anything happened to me. I could count on my mom loving us. I still hear her voice when I make a decision. I laugh at her unrelenting temperament    I knew what it felt like to lose a parent my dad died when I was young , but every loss is different.

 I have found people who have  lost loved ones are more likely to get the loss of a child but until it happens to you can never really understand it.  Sometimes there are sensitive souls that just empathize,  their non judgmental love is healing.  I wanted my partner Mike to truly understand. He helped me raise the boys but it's not the same. Expecting him  to be there in the exact way I needed was an impossible request. In our deep hurt we sometimes expect too much from those around us.

It's easy to get angry at those that let us down. As parents we have all heard the insensitive ridiculous remarks made after our children are gone. If your child commits suicide  or dies from any reckless behavior ,the remarks are worse. Parents want to feel like they are safe from our tragedy , making it our fault or the fault of our kids , keeps them safe. When Gavin first passed a mom, a dear friend said "You should have never let him move to the city , it's such dangerous place." I was hurt and angry,  Gavy was 22 when he moved it wasn't my decision. I stopped talking to my friend after that.  A woman at work quipped "I know just how you feel, my dog was my baby , I have never gotten over losing him" I wanted to scream"Your dog seriously your dog?" There were several others that followed in the same way. I no longer wanted to be near anyone that didn't get it. If you added to my pain I stopped talking to you. My social circle just kept getting smaller. Anger, fear & pain is isolating.

Frustrated, one day my boyfriend asked me " Are you going to be sad forever?" Do you want to be sad?" "Why won't you try and be happy? " Looking back I realize he was really asking, "When do I get you back?  Sadly,when I lost the boys, he lost me, at least the me , we knew . Frankly the now me, is a better person. Pain does that, it makes you grow, if you let it.   Mike, somehow thought I had control of this horrible roller coaster ride. He is in charge of most things in his life, he's never lost anyone in his immediate family.
Here has never had children, changed a diaper or made the sacrifices children require. How could I expect him to get it?  He really just didn't understand the pain, he has never experienced that kind of pain or the kind of joy being parent brings.  In the same way I didn't understand when my mom admonished her head strong teenager.

Mike was in his own kind of pain, his own grief. He  needed my reassurance that our life together hadn't stopped. I couldn't see that then, I just saw insensitivity.  Now I realize, I can help heal us by explaining it to him or just to asking for space , when I need it. I stopped asking him for that kind of support, it just causes both of us pain. Trying to get true understanding about this subject, from Mike, will just lead to our demise . We have many things that make this a good and happy relationship. Not everything we need can come from this one relationship.( Lesson learned)

 I want my life and friendships to work. I have learned not to expect everyone to understand.  I don't pour my deepest hurt out, to those, who may accidentally step all over it. It's not a character flaw in them it's an experience flaw. Before I lost the boys, I could be friends with people who didn't understand my life, religion, parenting style, on and on, this is no different. Community and friendships keep us whole. Isolation only adds to our longing. It took a very long time for me to get this. I still shut others out, but not like I once did. I can attend and enjoy a party now. A girls weekend sounds fun. Not every interaction needs to be a rescue mission.

I have contacted some of the people I cut off. I reached out, because I enjoyed them. Not everyone can be there for us all the time. Others have contacted me, some realized what they said , others just missed me.  In my life, I was the supportive one. I had attracted people who relied on me for support, and solace, it was tough on all of us, when I couldn't be that friend.  It was a lesson for me, find equal relationships. In the past, it made me feel good to help. I don't need to rescue people anymore. At least, I am working on, not needing to rescue people.

There are rare souls who understand,without the experience, they can become our best friends.  It doesn't mean we can't have other friends too. I missed some of my old friends, others, I found , it had been a healthy decision to stop hanging out.  One of the best things that happened is, I found some new friends.  I knew some of these people, but I wasn't close to them.  I found them in unlikely places and they are a gift. Not all of them have lost children , they do however, have an understanding of deep pain, they possess sensitivity I admire. These new friends, are a force. I feel blessed to be a  part of their lives. I feel stronger in this new community.

Here's what I have learned , If you hurting,  look for those that can help, don't keep going to the dry well, looking for water.  Begging someone that doesn't get it for help, will only add to your excruciating pain and isolation. Give yourself time and space, this is the hardest thing you will ever do. Be a friend to you.  Let yourself see friends . Clean house of the unhealthy relationships that are pulling you down and look for new ones. Good luck on this journey my friend , never forget we are here. We parents of the lost , are walking right beside you.

Blessings

Slivers of Grace- The Healing Power of Community

A few weeks ago I came home to find a block of cheese and a stuffed peacock waiting for me. I knew immediately it was a woman that left it. This gift wasn't the sort of thing man would leave . My son Dave and I  began the process of elimination. It had to be someone that knew Ryan , a peacock is symbolic of Ryan . The gift was just the right sort of off beat too. It was also someone that knew how much I love cheese. It really isn't something I broadcast . Some of the people very close to me have no idea about my cheese obsession.

A stuffed animal is significant, I  certainly don't collect them but I keep some sacred stuffed animals on my bed , my dads 70+ year old teddy bear I inherited as child. It came as a treasured gift to me,  after he passed, Gavins cabbage patch kid named Jeffrey, Dave's glow worm, a  heart I once gave my mom and a cat Mike and I rescued in a rain storm. We thought it was alive and went to great pains to rescue it on the busy highway, it turned out to be a very wet stuffed cat moving because of the force of rain. He was dubbed 202. This peacock was clearly meant for my bed so it was someone very close to us. Someone that knew February is a hard month too many anniversaries and cold grey days. A little cheer you up present. It worked.

Dave and I ran out of likely suspects then I got a  a message , she queried  did you get the cheese and peacock I left ? Hooray mystery solved! I couldn't wait to tell Dave.  It was Kelly , of course,  it was Kelly it made perfect sense. She is one of my youngest sons dear friends . She was around our family in good times and bad. In the aftermath of Gavin's death Ryan poured his heart out to her and she gently sheltered his fragile being. We haven't seen each other much since Ryan died. I keep track of her gypsy travels on Facebook. We message and I think of her often. It gives me pleasure to see the boys friends,  watch their lives move beautifully forward.

Kelly's bohemian life is the one that most resembles the life Ryan  enjoyed. At the funeral and weeks after she was one of the young people I clung to , other peoples children that became family. Children that help fill the void.  They clung right back huddling for safety from some unknown terror. The shock of it reverberating in their young lives. Lindsey, Ryans past girlfriend and life long friend, held my hand and cried during the entire funeral . Her presence gave me strength. One of their own was gone too soon. Some of them had been through Gavin's death, watching our joyful family change is so many ways. They were on the front lines with us. It's hard to describe the kind of bond that  was created but it's deep and strong. They're forever in my heart.

I was so happy to hear Kelly was home for a little while. Dave Kelly and I got together for lunch and a trip to the book store. A day Ryan would have loved. Bookstores, our family's favorite spot. I could get my boys to do almost anything if I promised a trip to Barnes and Noble.  We talked of Kelly's travels , Dave's children, good books,good music and of course we choked back tears talking about Ryan and Gavin. A day that was such a blessing, Ryan's presence was there we could all feel it.. Our honest conversation was healing. No one offering platitudes for the dead but rather those that loved Ryan telling real stories, laughing together, expressing sadness, joy and frustration. Ryan was never easy to understand but he was easy to love.  A love I think only a very few of us truly get. Ryan has a handful of friends I still keep in touch with each of them a ray of light. A little glimmer of Ryan is left in their hearts.
How lucky I am to have these kind souls with me , keeping Gavin and Ryan's spirit alive here.

Gavin's best friend from middle school and early high school stays in touch,shares stories of his life, remembers Gavin keeps him alive. I watch his happy life unfold. Gavin's then girlfriend Jennifer,  a psychologist in California has continued to be part of my life even 9 years later. She's never stopped being there.  Friends reach out, tell me tidbits I didn't know, share pictures and memories. Kevin stops by, just to see how things are.  Erin kept Ryan's picture on her Facebook profile for 3 years . I often see the posts friends send to Ryan, remembrances, songs, stories and inside jokes. They message me it's great, it makes me smile. They say my boys names , they talk about them , not afraid I will be sad. These are gifts the most precious gifts of the heart. When someone passes its scary thinking they may be forgotten.  I'm honored that my boys were loved deeply. They aren't just missed by me.

The boys had short lives but they were worthwhile lives. Love really doesn't die. Each memory, each contact, is a tiny sliver of grace. A testament to love and friendship . These friends are a big part of my

healing community, relationships forged    bylaughter and pain. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the lovely people I encounter on this journey.

I hope you have special people that walk with you on your journey's. If you don't , there are ways to find them, join a group , reach out, even an  online group helps.
It doesn't just help if you have lost a child,  it helps every trouble our hearts encounter. If you have a hurting friend,  walk with them in their sad times sit with them. One day they may need to do the same for you, even charmed lives see some dark days.

Community is life affirming, community gives us strength

Namaste

RIP

I didn't post my normal blog last Sunday. I couldn't find words because my cousin Chelsea's  20 year old son passed. She lost her 16 year old daughter Ariah 6 months ago. I was overwhelmed with sadness for her, for my aunt, for the siblings, family and for all of us, the parents of lost children. I seriously couldn't write anything.   It took a will and mindfulness to reach down inside and find the words to be there for my cousin. Words are hollow in these times. The depth of feeling can't be expressed with mere words. I want to fix it for her but I can't.  I relate to her pain and it radiates through me.  I know how difficult the road ahead will be and my heart aches for her , for all of them.  My aunt the mother of nine children. A mother that has lost one son  a grandmother that has lost 2 grandchildren, was always there for me. When I was in my teens I lived with my them. My Aunts kind spirit has been a blessing. She often helped when my mom couldn't. I still see my cousin  Chelsea as the adorable child I often babysat.  Like the Kennedy's my family has loss and lots of it.

While I was searching for plane tickets to fly to Utah for the funeral my only son called to say he was on his way to the hospital. I want to be there (in Utah) for my family and be here for my family. Some times it's just too much at once. Too much loss guilt and sadness. Watching my family so hurt is crushing. I know all too well there really are no words. This week is the anniversary of my own sons passing. Julian will be buried just 2 days before my Gavin left us.  I am taking a rest from the journey, from grief work, sitting quietly just paying attention to it all letting sadness live hoping for moments of peace.

I will pick up and start back on the healing road. Today I will  honor Ariah and Julian children that have passed far too young. I will pray for grace for Chelsea , their grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles and friends. I will pray for healing for them. I pray good memories may one day ease their pain. Rest in peace Angels.   God Bless You All