Making a New Life- A few Tips to Surviving The Ultimate Loss

Like a tsunami , grief crashes into our lives pulling everything apart. The people places and things we could once count on for comfort don't help now. We are each alone in the journey, picking up the wreckage of our torn lives. When we lose ,someone we love, there is hole in the fabric of life. When you lose a child the fabric is left in tatters.  The pain so profound it feels as if it's impossible to ever feel ok again. I'm not whole yet and I may never be but I have sewn those tatters into a beautiful quilt.  A life , not the one I planned or dreamed of but still a good life.

Grief books and blogs call it the "New Normal." On the private Facebook pages where parents pour out their pain,  to an audience that understands, it's a buzz phrase. It describes so much , our common realization that normal died with our children.  The new normal is a twilight zone kind of place. Everything looks the same but nothing is. 

No one knows us anymore. We're just learning to know ourselves again. Celebrations ,places , parties things we loved,  are not as we remembered. The tiniest moment  can crack us wide open. A comment , a mom with a child that resembles our precious child, a place long forgotten, a song, cologne,  food the list is endless. It takes time to learn how to manage our emotions again. It takes time to let joy come back.  When we first arrive our skin is so thin you can see right into us. As time goes on scars replace what was once too fragile to touch.

It's been 8 years since my oldest son died and 3 since my youngest passed. I still a have days when the pain is so raw , I don't want to be here. I also have days when it's ok I can handle it, every once in awhile I have good days a happy days, life affirming positive energy.  The boys are never far from my thoughts.  I still wrestle the guilt ,we parents sometimes feel , when our children lives don't go as planned .  I have however begun to make an elegant mosaic of my broken soul, adding new pieces moving old ones. Here's  a few of the things that helped me. My list is fluid I add things
often.  I hope some of these can help you on your journey.  

1. I find Talking to someone that truly unders
tands,  another parent that has lost a child or the rare friend that hasn't but still understands, helps me feel supported on this rocky journey. Good friends, spiritually grounded people can lend light to our path. I nurture those healthy relationships. I find solace in The Compassionate Friends Facebook pages and meetings. I have developed new resources and even some new friends.

2.  I Give myself permission to be sad as long as I need. I am working each day on healthy grief. I am moving forward but it takes a long time.  Seeing a therapist has been helpful . Be patient it does get better. 

3. I Give myself permission to be happy. Learning to enjoy life again, was the hardest one for me. It seems like I am somehow not loving the boys, if I can smile. I'm still working on this but it's so much better.

4. I am being honest with myself and others , I say how I feel in the kindest way possible.  I was always a people pleaser. I pretended to be happy no matter what. I volunteered  for anything friends asked of me.  Being honest can be threatening to your family and friends. Remember they are grieving too. Even if they didn't know our child, they knew us before. They were friends with a different person. Be gentle but firm.


5. I tell my family and friends what I need,  how they can help, being as specific as possible. This is new for all of us. Many parents report after a few months , no one calls them anymore. People don't know what to say to us, it's uncomfortable for them.  When they ask what they can do I let them know. I reach out now, to keep relationships alive. I was always the one that checked on people. As the pain eased I got better about seeing the people around me. It feels good to be supportive not just the one that needs support. 

6. I work on being mindful of every moment . I work at it , this doesn't mean I aways succeed. I try to allow joy to accompany sadness. It doesn't erase the sadness they just co-exist .This gives me an opportunity to enjoy my life. For Example Holidays are really hard for all of us. I pay attention to the sadness , I honor how much I miss my boys even if it's just to myself. I also pay attention to the good parts of the day. I make note of anything that feels joyful or happy. I am working to enjoy family and friends again

7. I found having  a passion has been the most healing part for me. I love writing, children and animals. I  now have a tiny in home preschool, several blogs and a back yard full of rescued farm animals. Helping them helps me , I have started to do DIY projects and picked up old hobbies and new interests.  

8.  As much as possible I eliminated energy draining extra activities. I resigned from volunteer positions and boards.  I find not feeling over whelmed with activities makes it easier to smile. I say NO nicely. this doesn't mean don't volunteer I have lots of volunteer activities .  Be kind to you. Don't commit to the bake sale if you just don't have the energy. 

9. Spend time with kind healthy friends.  Pain can attract people that may not be good for us. Frenemies and drama don't help with healing. 

10.  When I become obsessive about the what if's , I have a plan in place. I turn on a movie or read a book, get online , turn on music, go for a walk or exercise. I try not to just sit and let guilt torture me.  

11. I made small changes to family holiday celebrations . The new traditions are just that new. They don't carry old memories.  At first my family objected , change is hard, be sensitive to those around you.  My children are grown so I was able to move our immediate families Christmas celebration. We now open presents in January. Christmas day is spent with family and friends.  My son doesn't feel pressured to spend the whole day with his mom. He has other obligations now. He misses his brothers too. It's a lot of pressure being the only living child. The new traditions are more flexile for all of us. 

12. I honor my boys important days, birthdays and death days. I purchased a candle holder for each of them. On gift giving holidays I donate to a charity my sons would have approved of as a gift to them. I keep the donation to myself, it's between my boys and I. On their birthdays our family goes out to dinner and takes the candle holder. We tell stories to each other about the boys, we  laugh or cry. I talk about them when I want , at first it made people uncomfortable, they have gotten used to it. Now some of my friends freely bring up my boys. It feels so good to hear their name.  It keeps them part of our life , their light alive in us.  

13. I allow room for change,  I know I won't be the same again. I am better in so many ways but very different. I try not to mourn the loss of the old me. I work towards a healthy new me. 

14. I read, read, read, grief books, blogs spiritual and mindfulness books, uplifting novels. 

15. I pray and meditate  nearly every day.  I made a meditation garden that encourages me to just be still

16 I try to understand how difficult it must be for my friends and family , they  have the new me. I used to be the happy sunny one. I respect how much they miss me. When I am happy I make sure to let them know.  

17 I spend time with the people that are important to me. I contact loved ones and ask them to get together; I stopped waiting for them to contact me. 

18. I have learned to ignore well meaning,  insensitive comments and commentary on my sons death and grief process.
19 I talk to parents that have just recently lost a child. Helping others feels good. It gives me a chance to help not just be helped.  

19 Lastly I don't watch the news  or read tales of abused children or pets. Sad stories make it worse for me.  

Do you have good days? What helps you feel better?  What is the best advice you an offer friends and family of those newly grieving?

The Rest of The Story - Suicide and Miracles

We will never know if Gavin was murdered or committed suicide. It haunts me , knowing the truth is so important to moving on. I watch other parents in limbo waiting to find their child's body or cause of death. I can relate to their pain , not knowing brings no closure,  no peace.

A year before Gavin passed he came home to spend the weekend with us. He had been severely beaten. I rushed him to the hospital. He protested , claiming it was random attack in a Target parking lot. I called the police and Target making huge fuss. All my mother bear instincts were on high alert. He later called an admitted he was beaten by his next door neighbors ,when he refused to lend them money. He was afraid I would try and force him to move , so he made up a ridiculous story. he hadn't expected me to call the police. Being persistent I eventually got the landlord to kick out the offenders based on their prior assault records. Gavin wouldn't file charges against them,  he was afraid of retribution. I added locks , mace and a door alarm to his apartment. He promised to no longer hang out with any neighbors.  I begged him to move home to the suburbs but He wouldn't.

 I was angry that Gavin lied to me . We didn't lie to each other. He spent his teen years telling me nearly everything. Sometimes more than I wanted to know. I was hurt,  I yelled at him on the phone.
Simultaneously he had a similar argument with his  girlfriend living in California. Gavin was very upset by our reactions.  I had filed a police report and the police were not the slightest bit happy about the false information. My sweet son just couldn't bear the burden of all this turmoil in his life. He owned up to the truth voluntarily but the police were less than kind.

David came home from school to find Gavin upset and crying. Gavin never cried. Gavy told Dave he just wanted to be left alone.  David went up to his room to play on his computer. Later he went to check on Gavin. Gavin seemed to have left. David called him but no answer, Dave searched,  he noticed the basement light on. We never left it on.  David found Gavin hanging from a rafter on a purple dog leash. David ran for a knife to cut him down while calling 911. Gavin wasn't responding. Dave did CPR until the paramedics arrived. They cleared a Super fresh parking lot for Life Flight , they took Gavin  the three blocks by ambulance to the waiting helicopter, leaving Dave home alone and shaken.

I  had just finished a lecture series for work. I was going out with colleagues to dinner . Then I got the call. My friend drove me. My car was far away at work. Dave didn't know where they had taken Gavy. They wouldn't say until he landed. The 911 operator told me to be patient . Seriously?  I protested, begged and pleaded to the 911 staff "Please tell me where they had taken my son. " I kept calling back. A sympathetic operator , a parent himself,  told me , most likely Gavin was headed to Temple. He risked his job giving me that information. I am forever grateful. We rushed to the unbearable stop and go traffic back into the city. It seemed like hours to get there. Not knowing if Gavin would be at Temple  I ran into the Er while my friend parked. The moment I stepped inside,  I saw the life flight stretcher in the hallway.  My heart nearly stopped. They wouldn't let me see Gavy , I begged and then screamed trying to force my way in. They held fast.

Mike arrived and used his calm no nonsense approach,  they finally relented. It was horrible,  Gavin was seizing and they couldn't stop it. Blood trickling from his nose, tubes and more tubes. His face purple with bruising and a horrible gnash at his neck. Nothing in nursing ever prepared me for this, nothing ever could have. I still see that day in my nightmares. A Dr greeted us and took me into a tiny room,  no chairs , a storage area full of stretchers. He explained without emotion Gavin was brain dead. The words crushed my soul , pain spewing out of me. I started to scream no no no .  Mike came in .  Mike ever the optimist wouldn't believe it. He could see Gavin alive and he still saw hope. My medical training gave me no reason not to believe, I had lost my oldest baby.

As the night wore on the seizures finally abated.  The Dr , positive Gavin was brain dead , did no further testing. They were keeping him alive , to harvest his organs. A transplant representative  spoke to me. I was in shock barely even there. Signing papers to donate organs of my beautiful boy.  I knew he would have wanted it that way. I Begged "God please, please bring him back,  if you are going to take him give me 1 more year,  please God just one more year, " I could have never lived knowing I yelled at him I would have forever believed it was my fault. Then it  happened,  a miracle.  A male nurse came to get us,   pulling me away from the man explaining transplant procedures. Gavin , was awake,  making the signs of wanting a cigarette. Two fingers poised at his mouth.  I have literally never been happier in my life.  I was happy to have him no matter what the cost , no matter how little of his brain was left. I also began to believe him when he said he couldn't quit smoking.

The long journey to recovery....
 Gavin was moved to  ICU for brain injuries. I spent days at work and nights in the hospital. Dave and Mike came with me each evening and all weekend. Gavin started to talk but thought he was in hotel on vacation. He couldn't remember names but had vivid childhood memories. Over time,  he got more lucid. He was still seriously injured but we had hope of recovery. When we left the room and came back he was happily surprised to see us "Hey why are you guys here? Want something to drink? " It always made me laugh, he was thrilled to see us. Tests and more tests revealed his brain had severe damage from anoxia. We clung to faith that he would get better , even if the Drs didn't agree. Mike was the cheerleader , he believed Gavin would be fine. One kind psychiatrist, sat with me often. He shared a story of unbelievable brain recovery. I repeated it in my mind ,when I lost hope.

One cold but sunny day,  Gavin proved , he was more clear thinking than anyone thought. He escaped the hospital making his way down 7 flights,  past security guards and busy hospital staff. He was wearing  just a short jacket, gown no pants,no shoes, bare backside.
He was eventually found,  outside smoking. He had bummed a cigarette , the man gave him his entire pack , then reported it to Temple security. We laughed heartily when we heard. The nurses were surprised , they expected us to be angry. To the contrary , Gavin doing exactly what Gavin wished was what we always expected. That was the strong willed young man we knew and loved.  The incident necessitated 24 hour in room supervision and nicotine patches to curb his desire.  The young nursing students given; the boring job ended up enjoying their time. Gavin flirted with them relentlessly. They laughed and smiled at his jokes. We were often surprised some flirted back. Even bruised Gavy was handsome and charming.

He couldn't categorize anything or count above 20 but his personality was shining through the fog. He told endless jokes with perfect timing. He wanted to come home. Drs agreed,  there really was nothing more they could do for him. Once at home, Gavin became a petulant child. He wanted to go back to work , drive, return to his apartment. He was furious when we couldn't let him. The best description of his behavior would be drunk toddler.  He needed undivided attention.  David was a senior in high school recovering from yet another surgery.  We decided a half day high school better suited Dave's health and he could be home with his brother more. Gavin didn't like any of the caregivers I hired. David and Gavin became closer than ever. Dave's schedule worked out well.   We worked everyday with Gavin on puzzles , workbooks, computer programs. We visited libraries and museums. We watched endless hours of history channel and discovery. I read him books on art , music and sharks his favorite subjects.

 Eventually he could read and use the computer . He quickly began to help himself. Each day a more miraculous recovery. The more he came back the more he knew he needed to work on his brain healing. Always a diligent student he poured himself into recovering .He began to understand what he had lost.  He worked feverishly to regain his life and independence. His physicians were amazed at his rapid recovery.

In a few months Gavy was able to return to work . They saved his job. He was a  supervisor of homes/programs for autistic children and adults. He adopted several new programs that helped with facilitated communication among the residents. Gave was popular at work.  He called if he ran into difficulties. He once remarked he wasn't as smart as he once had been but he was still smarter than most people. I laughed it was true.
I was constantly worried about him. I made him promise to call if anything was slightly wrong. When he moved back to his apartment I felt like I was walking on hot coals. I couldn't relax. I begged him to move to the suburbs and he finally agreed. His lease was up in June. We were looking for apartments. Since they were more expensive , I planned to chip in. Gavin's chosen profession helping special needs people was not well paid but he loved it.  He made a difference in their lives. They changed him for the better.

11 months and 2 weeks after Gavin hung himself in our basement , he didn't return my calls .
God gave me nearly the year I asked for and no more. Gavin was buried nearly one year to the day of the "accident" as we called it.
 I was so angry. I thought we had a life changing close call . I thought everything was fine again.  I console myself that I was given the opportunity to tell Gavin how much I loved him how proud I was, how important he was to us. We really became good friends not just mom and son. I enjoyed spending time with him. I miss him so much , my friend Gavy.  Those were great days, taking care of him. They seemed hard then ,  looking back it was a blessing.  I still smile remembering those times.

I was never prouder of any of my children then I was of Dave at that time. He never complained about helping with his brother.  A senior year in high school is full of fun but Dave missed most of it.
 Gavin and Dave have always been close. Gavin watched out for Dave all of his life. Dave born tiny and sick needed protection. They never fought, no normal sibling rivalry. Gavin was 5 years old when his 2lb 3oz brother was born. We went to the hospital everyday for months on end.
Gavin anxiously awaiting his baby brothers home coming.

Dave's entire life was spent in and out of hospitals.  He needed the lions share of attention. Our family circled around Dave and his medical issues. Everyone pitched in to make sure he took his medications without protest. Gavin helped Dave take his treatments, defended him against bullies and spent long hours at the hospital. Gavin loved his little brother.
Now, it was Dave's turn  to watch over Gavy.

Dave drove Gavin everywhere , often missing his own friends and events to hang out with his big brother. He idolized Gavin. Now our entire life revolved around helping Gavin. Dave never resented it. I would come home and find them laughing nearly everyday. It was nice to have Gavin back under our roof.  Dave still makes me laugh with funny stories about his adventures with Gavin.

As for the physician that told me my son was brain dead. He avoided me and refused to speak to me. I felt like I had to have a word with him. I called hospital administration. We spoke, he finally apologized. I let him know how devastating his ill founded news had been .  I calmly explained the horror of hearing your child is dead. I felt like we both grew in that moment. The psychiatrist that gave us so much support asked Gavin to allow him to speak about Gavin at a conference"The brains remarkable ability to heal." Gavin refused , embarrassed by his suicide attempt. Gavin would barely speak of it. Later when I called the psychiatrist  to let him know Gavin was gone , his voice broke on the phone. He called several times after to check on us. He cared, he helped.

So ,you are probably thinking , Gavin most certainly killed himself. Well, there is a twist , Gavin's apartment and been searched. The people in question knew do his previous suicide attempt. He had been punched,  blood spattered on his open text books. He was  studying for his grad classes and working on a new painting. He had put money down on a vacation.  There were threatening messages on his cell phone voice mail . There is more evidence that Gavy may not have killed himself but its better not to reveal it. I still have hope one day ,we will know for sure.  By all accounts Gavin was fine.  His friends thought he was ok. Now he's gone,  we may never know the whole truth. I have many versions and scenarios in my head. Dave and I sometimes talk about different possibilities. What we do know is , Gavin once tried to take his own life. That is heartbreaking , to think my sweet brilliant boy was ever that sad, that hopeless. I often ask myself  , how I went wrong.  How could such a wonderful compassionate man , not know,  how dear he was to the world? How could he be so confident while hiding great pain?

You may be wondering why I decided to reveal this painful chapter in our lives. Many people have advised me to keep this quiet. This is an uncomfortable topic. I believe this story needs to be told. As well as other stories like it. When Robin Williams died I was once again saddened by the thoughtless comments about suicide in the media and on social networks. I have received horrible comments from supposedly well meaning individuals. It is shocking , how cruel people can be. In my opinion, suicide isn't selfish , It does not mean a loved one wants to hurt us, it is a soul crying for relief , pain so great it seems like the only option. Often those that chose to leave us,  think they are doing us a favor. I hope to help destigmatize suicide.  It's not crazy people or weak people or depressed people it is  just people, our brothers ,sisters ,friends. They can be stable accomplished loving people, having a hard time. Sensitive compassionate people hiding in silence. If we open dialog and make it ok to talk about suicidal thoughts,  if we admit our own failings, if we realize anyone can get overwhelmed, if we care, then lives will be saved. Let's make mental illness just like any other illness , lets treat it with compassion.  Together we can make a difference. Together we can talk each other off the ledge.
Namaste

Peacocks and Other Messages From Beyond the Grave

Many Parents and bereaved people,  report getting signs or messages from their deceased children.   They will often say I know it was my child. We do know, we are their parents. We still feel them deep in our bones. Created of our flesh or under our hearts , often, we  know them better than ourselves. Sacrificing , our best interest for their welfare and happiness. When they contact us , we know it, our 6th sense. We hear a song at the perfect moment,  hear or see something in their room, feel a presence. It can be subtle but it's real. Sometimes it's not subtle sometimes there is no mistaking the message. I dream frequently about my boys but I don't think of the dreams as messages or signs. It is just my soul longing for them.  This is about the unmistakeable messages. They feel  like miracles when they occur.  We, my boys and I, made a pact after Gavin died , whomever died first , would let the others know they were ok.  Ryan has kept up with his end of the promise.

Here's a little of our story,   I would love to hear yours.

When Gavy came home from college, there was a blue jay that would swoop down at him whenever he went out to our deck. The Blue Jay,  I simple called Blue ,was used to seeing our little family.  Gavin lived in California , Blue considered him an intruder. Gavy got far too close to the bird feeder , loaded with sunflower seeds . Gavin commented, one pretty spring day" Mom your crazy Blue Jay wants to kill me, seriously he has it in for me" .  Gavin was not amused. he insisted I stop feeding him near the house. I kept feeding him. I said " seriously Gav, he weighs a few ounces,  whats he going to do to you.?" We all laughed.  Birds usually liked Gavin but thats a story for another time.

After Gavin passed, a Blue Jay came right up to me at the cemetery, closer than any healthy wild bird would.  He stayed while I cried , then flew off as I left.  Later I saw two juvenile Blue jays ,  I found a tiny blue jay feather on my front porch. There were jays everywhere it seemed. I was sure it was a sign , Gavin , was letting me know he was ok, in his usual humorous way.

One of my  dear friends , Marta, called to tell me she had a dream about Gavy. In the dream , he told her he had enough diamonds and triangles. She felt compelled to tell me about the dream. She wasn't sure it would make any sense to me.
I knew immediately,  it was Gavin letting me know he was ok. Gavin liked Marta , she was his favorite of Mike's big family. It made sense he would contact her. He made sure I would know, it was real, something only I could understand.  When Gavin was 3 he had some colored wooden pieces called tanagrams purchased by my mom at an upscale toy store.. He loved them and would make elaborate pictures using his huge box of pieces. His pictures got larger. He asked for more tanagrams , especially triangles, the store was closed. I wrote to the manufacturer , the letter was returned.  I searched and searched but couldn't find the matching pieces.There was no Google then. My mom,  ever the doting grandmother,   looked everywhere but was never able to match them either. Gavin was terribly frustrated, he often asked for new triangles.  I purchased other sets but they didn't match his, he wouldn't use them. He was a very particular little guy.  I never told the mundane story to anyone. Gavin was 13 when I moved and met Marta.

 The first winter after, I had a terrible feeling about burying Gavin in the ice cold ground. I just couldn't get the image of him being cold out of my mind. It haunted me that cold February. I wished I had picked another option.  One day a woman I know called to tell me about dream she had. Gavin came to her demanding she sit beside him on a comfortable bench in the middle of a beautiful park. She protested , because she had to get to work , in her dream .Gavin was insistent. They sat,  the sun felt so wonderful ,she fell into a deep restful sleep. Gavin woke her abruptly, he said " now go tell my mom I am ok, this is how it feels."  I was floored when she told me the dream. I hadn't shared my thoughts about Gavy being cold with anyone.  I knew it was irrational to worry about him being cold but the thoughts just wouldn't leave.  My baby in the cold frozen ground and there was nothing I could do.  The dream helped,  I had a sense of peace thinking of him happy and warm. Eight years later,  I still get goose bumps remembering her dream..


One  summer evening,  Mike the boys and I were having dinner on the deck.  They were all recounting their own stories of Gavin , getting in touch with them. I told the story about the Blue Jay's.  Ryan said "well that's stupid. Gavin should have come back as something that doesn't live in Pennsylvania , so we could be sure. "  He continued "I will come back as a moose,  I said "No Ryan "There aren't any moose in Pa, I'll end up moving to Canada looking for you, not a moose please. " It should be something spectacular. " We all agreed if we passed first,  there would be no doubt about the sign we would send.

After Ryan passed, to my new friend Karen's shock, she saw Ryan standing in my kitchen.
I still felt him sometimes. I was thrilled that I had someone I could discuss it with. Ryan and Karen got along well. Karen is charismatic and intuitive, she seemed to understand Ryan. He rarely liked my friends but he liked Karen.  When she asked about a blue and white football jersey Ryan was wearing,   I knew for positive she saw Ryan not a figment of her imagination, not a shadow, it was Ryan.  I laughed, Ryan had an offensive shirt , that did in fact resemble a football jersey. Long gone before Karen ever moved to Pennsylvania, to become our new old friend, I  had thrown out the shirt on laundry day. There was no way she could remember him in it. I didn't want a son of mine wearing the awful thing. Now, Ryan was messing with me from the grave. How like him , he was always a practical joker. I still smile thinking he was probably laughing himself silly somewhere.

A ghost in a forbidden shirt wasn't the most powerful sign Ryan sent....
The day after he passed , my house was full of people coming to offer love, support and condolence. David and I had not a minute to just talk alone.  I was desperate to know more of the story. What had Ryan's friends shared with Dave. What happened? Why? We went upstairs to the bathroom shutting the door so we could talk in private. Looking out over my backyard , it was soothing to watch farm animals enjoying the summer day. Suddenly,  we saw something huge flying into the yard. it looked like pterodactyl against the bright sky. I assumed it was a hawk or wild turkey. We quickly descended the stairs,  running outside to protect the chickens.  To our astonishment , a young adult male Peacock was  just standing in the middle of the yard. He didn't fly away but sauntered slowly up to us.   David and I looked at each other and both said RYAN !  Dave looked at the bird and said "A peacock, well played Ryan well played" We laughed. Ryan kept his promise. He is ok. We are still broken , somehow knowing he is safe helps us heal.

We called everyone out to come see Ryan's bird. Our guests were  awed.  We agreed to call him Raj . It was the perfect name. Raj means" king" in sanskrit  Ryan means "little king" in Gaelic.   Raj stayed all summer sleeping high in the trees and eating chicken chow. He was very friendly letting me pick him up and often begging for treats. He cleared the yard of garter snakes and mice.  I put out ads looking for his owners but no one came forward. I felt strongly that I didn't want to force him to stay,  I didn't lock him in the barn at night as I did the chickens and ducks. One night , the weather grew colder,  Raj went into the barn and perched under the heat lamps.   He joined the chicken flock without protest from anyone,  even my huge rooster Red.

Raj still lives with us, he is free to leave anytime but he chooses to stay.  he has become part of the daily fabric of my life. Each night at dark he goes inside. I can call him to come and he responds. Peacocks can be nasty and difficult, he is neither. Raj is a lovely friend  to me,  gracious to guests. He's gotten spoiled , he demands  treats standing on the roof knocking on the bathroom window. I open the window and oblige him, thereby compounding the problem.  He waits for his hard boiled egg every morning. Raj seems happy here.  He often sits on the deck rail next to me when I sit outside to read. . His beautiful presence fills a little of the dark space in my heart. Everyday I see his face,  I see Ryan happy and well. I am awed by it. I am awed by the connection I feel.  Ryan did something in death he rarely did in life, he relieved our worry. We know he's fine and it's really beautiful where ever he is.