Making a New Life- A few Tips to Surviving The Ultimate Loss

Like a tsunami , grief crashes into our lives pulling everything apart. The people places and things we could once count on for comfort don't help now. We are each alone in the journey, picking up the wreckage of our torn lives. When we lose ,someone we love, there is hole in the fabric of life. When you lose a child the fabric is left in tatters.  The pain so profound it feels as if it's impossible to ever feel ok again. I'm not whole yet and I may never be but I have sewn those tatters into a beautiful quilt.  A life , not the one I planned or dreamed of but still a good life.

Grief books and blogs call it the "New Normal." On the private Facebook pages where parents pour out their pain,  to an audience that understands, it's a buzz phrase. It describes so much , our common realization that normal died with our children.  The new normal is a twilight zone kind of place. Everything looks the same but nothing is. 

No one knows us anymore. We're just learning to know ourselves again. Celebrations ,places , parties things we loved,  are not as we remembered. The tiniest moment  can crack us wide open. A comment , a mom with a child that resembles our precious child, a place long forgotten, a song, cologne,  food the list is endless. It takes time to learn how to manage our emotions again. It takes time to let joy come back.  When we first arrive our skin is so thin you can see right into us. As time goes on scars replace what was once too fragile to touch.

It's been 8 years since my oldest son died and 3 since my youngest passed. I still a have days when the pain is so raw , I don't want to be here. I also have days when it's ok I can handle it, every once in awhile I have good days a happy days, life affirming positive energy.  The boys are never far from my thoughts.  I still wrestle the guilt ,we parents sometimes feel , when our children lives don't go as planned .  I have however begun to make an elegant mosaic of my broken soul, adding new pieces moving old ones. Here's  a few of the things that helped me. My list is fluid I add things
often.  I hope some of these can help you on your journey.  

1. I find Talking to someone that truly unders
tands,  another parent that has lost a child or the rare friend that hasn't but still understands, helps me feel supported on this rocky journey. Good friends, spiritually grounded people can lend light to our path. I nurture those healthy relationships. I find solace in The Compassionate Friends Facebook pages and meetings. I have developed new resources and even some new friends.

2.  I Give myself permission to be sad as long as I need. I am working each day on healthy grief. I am moving forward but it takes a long time.  Seeing a therapist has been helpful . Be patient it does get better. 

3. I Give myself permission to be happy. Learning to enjoy life again, was the hardest one for me. It seems like I am somehow not loving the boys, if I can smile. I'm still working on this but it's so much better.

4. I am being honest with myself and others , I say how I feel in the kindest way possible.  I was always a people pleaser. I pretended to be happy no matter what. I volunteered  for anything friends asked of me.  Being honest can be threatening to your family and friends. Remember they are grieving too. Even if they didn't know our child, they knew us before. They were friends with a different person. Be gentle but firm.


5. I tell my family and friends what I need,  how they can help, being as specific as possible. This is new for all of us. Many parents report after a few months , no one calls them anymore. People don't know what to say to us, it's uncomfortable for them.  When they ask what they can do I let them know. I reach out now, to keep relationships alive. I was always the one that checked on people. As the pain eased I got better about seeing the people around me. It feels good to be supportive not just the one that needs support. 

6. I work on being mindful of every moment . I work at it , this doesn't mean I aways succeed. I try to allow joy to accompany sadness. It doesn't erase the sadness they just co-exist .This gives me an opportunity to enjoy my life. For Example Holidays are really hard for all of us. I pay attention to the sadness , I honor how much I miss my boys even if it's just to myself. I also pay attention to the good parts of the day. I make note of anything that feels joyful or happy. I am working to enjoy family and friends again

7. I found having  a passion has been the most healing part for me. I love writing, children and animals. I  now have a tiny in home preschool, several blogs and a back yard full of rescued farm animals. Helping them helps me , I have started to do DIY projects and picked up old hobbies and new interests.  

8.  As much as possible I eliminated energy draining extra activities. I resigned from volunteer positions and boards.  I find not feeling over whelmed with activities makes it easier to smile. I say NO nicely. this doesn't mean don't volunteer I have lots of volunteer activities .  Be kind to you. Don't commit to the bake sale if you just don't have the energy. 

9. Spend time with kind healthy friends.  Pain can attract people that may not be good for us. Frenemies and drama don't help with healing. 

10.  When I become obsessive about the what if's , I have a plan in place. I turn on a movie or read a book, get online , turn on music, go for a walk or exercise. I try not to just sit and let guilt torture me.  

11. I made small changes to family holiday celebrations . The new traditions are just that new. They don't carry old memories.  At first my family objected , change is hard, be sensitive to those around you.  My children are grown so I was able to move our immediate families Christmas celebration. We now open presents in January. Christmas day is spent with family and friends.  My son doesn't feel pressured to spend the whole day with his mom. He has other obligations now. He misses his brothers too. It's a lot of pressure being the only living child. The new traditions are more flexile for all of us. 

12. I honor my boys important days, birthdays and death days. I purchased a candle holder for each of them. On gift giving holidays I donate to a charity my sons would have approved of as a gift to them. I keep the donation to myself, it's between my boys and I. On their birthdays our family goes out to dinner and takes the candle holder. We tell stories to each other about the boys, we  laugh or cry. I talk about them when I want , at first it made people uncomfortable, they have gotten used to it. Now some of my friends freely bring up my boys. It feels so good to hear their name.  It keeps them part of our life , their light alive in us.  

13. I allow room for change,  I know I won't be the same again. I am better in so many ways but very different. I try not to mourn the loss of the old me. I work towards a healthy new me. 

14. I read, read, read, grief books, blogs spiritual and mindfulness books, uplifting novels. 

15. I pray and meditate  nearly every day.  I made a meditation garden that encourages me to just be still

16 I try to understand how difficult it must be for my friends and family , they  have the new me. I used to be the happy sunny one. I respect how much they miss me. When I am happy I make sure to let them know.  

17 I spend time with the people that are important to me. I contact loved ones and ask them to get together; I stopped waiting for them to contact me. 

18. I have learned to ignore well meaning,  insensitive comments and commentary on my sons death and grief process.
19 I talk to parents that have just recently lost a child. Helping others feels good. It gives me a chance to help not just be helped.  

19 Lastly I don't watch the news  or read tales of abused children or pets. Sad stories make it worse for me.  

Do you have good days? What helps you feel better?  What is the best advice you an offer friends and family of those newly grieving?