Peacocks and Other Messages From Beyond the Grave

Many Parents and bereaved people,  report getting signs or messages from their deceased children.   They will often say I know it was my child. We do know, we are their parents. We still feel them deep in our bones. Created of our flesh or under our hearts , often, we  know them better than ourselves. Sacrificing , our best interest for their welfare and happiness. When they contact us , we know it, our 6th sense. We hear a song at the perfect moment,  hear or see something in their room, feel a presence. It can be subtle but it's real. Sometimes it's not subtle sometimes there is no mistaking the message. I dream frequently about my boys but I don't think of the dreams as messages or signs. It is just my soul longing for them.  This is about the unmistakeable messages. They feel  like miracles when they occur.  We, my boys and I, made a pact after Gavin died , whomever died first , would let the others know they were ok.  Ryan has kept up with his end of the promise.

Here's a little of our story,   I would love to hear yours.

When Gavy came home from college, there was a blue jay that would swoop down at him whenever he went out to our deck. The Blue Jay,  I simple called Blue ,was used to seeing our little family.  Gavin lived in California , Blue considered him an intruder. Gavy got far too close to the bird feeder , loaded with sunflower seeds . Gavin commented, one pretty spring day" Mom your crazy Blue Jay wants to kill me, seriously he has it in for me" .  Gavin was not amused. he insisted I stop feeding him near the house. I kept feeding him. I said " seriously Gav, he weighs a few ounces,  whats he going to do to you.?" We all laughed.  Birds usually liked Gavin but thats a story for another time.

After Gavin passed, a Blue Jay came right up to me at the cemetery, closer than any healthy wild bird would.  He stayed while I cried , then flew off as I left.  Later I saw two juvenile Blue jays ,  I found a tiny blue jay feather on my front porch. There were jays everywhere it seemed. I was sure it was a sign , Gavin , was letting me know he was ok, in his usual humorous way.

One of my  dear friends , Marta, called to tell me she had a dream about Gavy. In the dream , he told her he had enough diamonds and triangles. She felt compelled to tell me about the dream. She wasn't sure it would make any sense to me.
I knew immediately,  it was Gavin letting me know he was ok. Gavin liked Marta , she was his favorite of Mike's big family. It made sense he would contact her. He made sure I would know, it was real, something only I could understand.  When Gavin was 3 he had some colored wooden pieces called tanagrams purchased by my mom at an upscale toy store.. He loved them and would make elaborate pictures using his huge box of pieces. His pictures got larger. He asked for more tanagrams , especially triangles, the store was closed. I wrote to the manufacturer , the letter was returned.  I searched and searched but couldn't find the matching pieces.There was no Google then. My mom,  ever the doting grandmother,   looked everywhere but was never able to match them either. Gavin was terribly frustrated, he often asked for new triangles.  I purchased other sets but they didn't match his, he wouldn't use them. He was a very particular little guy.  I never told the mundane story to anyone. Gavin was 13 when I moved and met Marta.

 The first winter after, I had a terrible feeling about burying Gavin in the ice cold ground. I just couldn't get the image of him being cold out of my mind. It haunted me that cold February. I wished I had picked another option.  One day a woman I know called to tell me about dream she had. Gavin came to her demanding she sit beside him on a comfortable bench in the middle of a beautiful park. She protested , because she had to get to work , in her dream .Gavin was insistent. They sat,  the sun felt so wonderful ,she fell into a deep restful sleep. Gavin woke her abruptly, he said " now go tell my mom I am ok, this is how it feels."  I was floored when she told me the dream. I hadn't shared my thoughts about Gavy being cold with anyone.  I knew it was irrational to worry about him being cold but the thoughts just wouldn't leave.  My baby in the cold frozen ground and there was nothing I could do.  The dream helped,  I had a sense of peace thinking of him happy and warm. Eight years later,  I still get goose bumps remembering her dream..


One  summer evening,  Mike the boys and I were having dinner on the deck.  They were all recounting their own stories of Gavin , getting in touch with them. I told the story about the Blue Jay's.  Ryan said "well that's stupid. Gavin should have come back as something that doesn't live in Pennsylvania , so we could be sure. "  He continued "I will come back as a moose,  I said "No Ryan "There aren't any moose in Pa, I'll end up moving to Canada looking for you, not a moose please. " It should be something spectacular. " We all agreed if we passed first,  there would be no doubt about the sign we would send.

After Ryan passed, to my new friend Karen's shock, she saw Ryan standing in my kitchen.
I still felt him sometimes. I was thrilled that I had someone I could discuss it with. Ryan and Karen got along well. Karen is charismatic and intuitive, she seemed to understand Ryan. He rarely liked my friends but he liked Karen.  When she asked about a blue and white football jersey Ryan was wearing,   I knew for positive she saw Ryan not a figment of her imagination, not a shadow, it was Ryan.  I laughed, Ryan had an offensive shirt , that did in fact resemble a football jersey. Long gone before Karen ever moved to Pennsylvania, to become our new old friend, I  had thrown out the shirt on laundry day. There was no way she could remember him in it. I didn't want a son of mine wearing the awful thing. Now, Ryan was messing with me from the grave. How like him , he was always a practical joker. I still smile thinking he was probably laughing himself silly somewhere.

A ghost in a forbidden shirt wasn't the most powerful sign Ryan sent....
The day after he passed , my house was full of people coming to offer love, support and condolence. David and I had not a minute to just talk alone.  I was desperate to know more of the story. What had Ryan's friends shared with Dave. What happened? Why? We went upstairs to the bathroom shutting the door so we could talk in private. Looking out over my backyard , it was soothing to watch farm animals enjoying the summer day. Suddenly,  we saw something huge flying into the yard. it looked like pterodactyl against the bright sky. I assumed it was a hawk or wild turkey. We quickly descended the stairs,  running outside to protect the chickens.  To our astonishment , a young adult male Peacock was  just standing in the middle of the yard. He didn't fly away but sauntered slowly up to us.   David and I looked at each other and both said RYAN !  Dave looked at the bird and said "A peacock, well played Ryan well played" We laughed. Ryan kept his promise. He is ok. We are still broken , somehow knowing he is safe helps us heal.

We called everyone out to come see Ryan's bird. Our guests were  awed.  We agreed to call him Raj . It was the perfect name. Raj means" king" in sanskrit  Ryan means "little king" in Gaelic.   Raj stayed all summer sleeping high in the trees and eating chicken chow. He was very friendly letting me pick him up and often begging for treats. He cleared the yard of garter snakes and mice.  I put out ads looking for his owners but no one came forward. I felt strongly that I didn't want to force him to stay,  I didn't lock him in the barn at night as I did the chickens and ducks. One night , the weather grew colder,  Raj went into the barn and perched under the heat lamps.   He joined the chicken flock without protest from anyone,  even my huge rooster Red.

Raj still lives with us, he is free to leave anytime but he chooses to stay.  he has become part of the daily fabric of my life. Each night at dark he goes inside. I can call him to come and he responds. Peacocks can be nasty and difficult, he is neither. Raj is a lovely friend  to me,  gracious to guests. He's gotten spoiled , he demands  treats standing on the roof knocking on the bathroom window. I open the window and oblige him, thereby compounding the problem.  He waits for his hard boiled egg every morning. Raj seems happy here.  He often sits on the deck rail next to me when I sit outside to read. . His beautiful presence fills a little of the dark space in my heart. Everyday I see his face,  I see Ryan happy and well. I am awed by it. I am awed by the connection I feel.  Ryan did something in death he rarely did in life, he relieved our worry. We know he's fine and it's really beautiful where ever he is.