Happiness is it really a choice?

I have been reading a lot about happiness lately, how to find it and sustain it. The pursuit of happiness is everywhere. Pop psychology tells us happiness is a choice.  If you are not happy then you are choosing to be sad. It's an interesting concept ; we have complete control over our own happiness. I wish it were true.  This idea is actually detrimental, to emotional well being. It shames anyone that can't feel happy.  It minimizes profound pain, depression and grief.  Hurting people may pretend everything is ok, because of social pressure. I say lets be real . Lets talk about our lives and be supportive to each other. Life is not all sunshine and roses.

If your life is has no great difficulties no emotional traumas, no history of depression,  then possibly, you can actually choose to be happy, all the time.  When life throws you a curve ball , life threatening illness ,loss of a loved one, divorce, job loss, other disasters, it is normal and healthy to feel sad, depressed, frustrated. I don't believe unmitigated happiness, is a realistic goal. A healthier goal should be how to cope effectively, how to heal, how to develop resilience. Sadness , grief and fear are all part of our human experience. Growth does not come easily from success it is failure and loss that help us grow. 

I learned a great deal from desperately trying to be happy. To achieve the goal of "happiness", I  tried a happiness project of my own , hoping to hide from  heartbreaking loss . Looking for approval from friends and family, I fully committed to moving past the darkness. I had lots of support on my quest. Those close to me were ecstatic. Friends at work and  on Facebook offered all manner of positive support and compliments. There are literally hundreds of articles , quotes and best selling books that promise, happiness , is all in our control.  I was sold. I believed I must be doing something wrong because the sadness just wouldn't abate.  It was time to take the bull by the horns and force myself to be happy. I could hear the words of my loved ones, It's time to move on , get past it.

The Happiness Project:  Read only happy funny novels, Use life affirming mantras,  Hang out with upbeat people, Exercise , Create, Do not watch or read anything sad, Meditate and pray. For 30 days I slaved at being happy,  forcing all dark thoughts to the back of my brain. Admonishing myself when I began to wallow.  I didn't waver in my commitment, I pressed forward. It was a raving failure. I felt like a raving failure.

The sadness still crept in , nightmares haunted me, sadness that deserved to be there took it's rightful place in my heart. It would not be ignored or evicted. I felt worse after abandoning the project, an all time low. A tidal wave of grief, loss, insecurity washed over me. It was then that I sought council from a wise friend, a reverend and mindfulness teacher. In his presence I feel comfortable.  His response was simply try to let sadness and joy coexist. Instead of banishing the darkness, allow light in. Like clouds and sun sharing the same sky.

It was time to embark on a new project.
The Mindfulness Project: Acknowledge the sadness, worry, insecurities & fear.  Pay attention to joy, Feel each moment honestly, fully, Meditate and pray, Eat healthy food, Exercise,  Spend time with loved ones, Deepen healthy connections, Forgive, Volunteer,  Keep creating . I felt ridiculous for even trying to force myself to be happy all the time.
Like all of our journeys there are storms and weathering them is a large part of our experience here.
Getting in touch with reality  instead of hiding, ignoring or stuffing it down is healing.

It has been several months since I embarked on the mindfulness project, It's working! The best part  of this process is I can see growth. Acknowledging the pain has eased it a bit.I am comfortable now with the fact that I probably won't ever be the old happy me. I am no longer chasing that girl. However , I can be a new kind of happy, one that embodies wisdom. A knowing that comes only from loss. There is solace in this truth .  Now, the pressure is off. I feel free to work on other aspects of my personality. Fearlessly confronting flaws and shortcomings, while also celebrating the parts of myself I admire. Learning to be kind to me is the hardest part of all.  Being a conscious human is hard work .  In another 50 or so years I should have this down pat.