Breath and Ramblings

We spent some time at the beach a few days ago. It's quiet there this time of year. I enjoy the solitude of an empty beach just birds and sand. Michael works and I wander the beach, feed the birds, read, write, shop and repeat. I was pulled from sad winter doldrums by the warm sun. I could see summer  peaking over the horizon, it felt good, then I stepped around the corner , a sharp icy cold breeze slapped my face and nipped at my lungs. In that split second,  I was reminded that nothing is permanent . What we think we can count on changes with the breeze.  We are all delicate fragile and leaving eventually.

Death always seems to surprise us. Intellectually we know were not staying forever and neither are our loved ones but we operate as if we are, at least I have to this point. Why are we here ? Where are we going? I have my own answers the ones that make sense and comfort me but I realize no one actually knows. There is a billion dollar industry full of people who will be happy to tell you the answer to life and the path to follow. I am not one of them. I am just here posing questions,  a mom deeply missing here children and trying to make sense of it all.

Later in the tub I watch my legs as I move them back and forth water swishing , warmth surrounding me.  I can move my legs now because I am here in my body, one day Ill be out of it and then I won't be able to move them. I will be in the next place. This thought astonishes me , even with all the death I have faced , this is the first time I've truly paid attention to the fragility of my own life. I spend so much time worrying about those around me leaving,  I have never stopped to think of the impact my death would have on my loved ones.

There is a deep wisdom in the realization of our interconnectedness ,  the vastness of love and all it embodies.  I find a kind of peace,  knowing one day I will see my boys,  in some way we will be reunited. There will be a time when everyone I know and love will be in the same place.

 Everyday it seems I heal more yet miss my boys more, the dichotomy of life.  It is never easy.  Somedays its hard work not to let bitterness creep in.  As I grow from this mind boggling pain ,I want so much to share the wisdom with my boys,  chat about all I have learned since they left. I want to see them smile , hear their laughter , share their life. They are amazing people, the hole left behind can never be filled.  I can't bring them back , all I can do is hold the love , let it sustain me and give as much love back as I am able. I know how blessed I am to have been able to love as I love them, all three of them. I will never stop longing for Gavin and Ryan but I know I was lucky also,  to have known them and to miss them so deeply. How hollow would life be without our deep connections.The pain would be less but so would the joy.

I am grateful to have David here with me , my beautiful boy,  right here where I can hug or talk to him,  grand children to make my heart swell and Michael to grow old with,  a little bit of grace. We are all moving forward together, not leaving the boys behind but rather incorporating their memory into the life we live now. This is  the best we can do. My sweet 5 year old grandson can already tell funny stories about his dad and uncles childhood. My granddaughter can point them out in photos. They live through all of us,  the love keeps them alive. Life is good, damn painful but still good.  I am sorry you have to be here reading this, looking for something to help. I hope this blog is a help in some tiny way.  I pray the memory of your dear ones brings you a small measure of peace.
Love and Light