A New Chapter

I haven't posted in awhile partly because I have been busy,  crazy busy but mostly because the complex emotions I wanted to share, were not easy to articulate.
Here is the story.....

 In October 2015 Michael and I moved in together and started planning our wedding. Michael proposed in September after 21 years of dating. I was shocked, wouldn't you be? Michael's idea of a wedding was vastly different from the quiet ceremony I had imagined for us. We eventually agreed on a medium size gathering. At Thanksgiving, we announced our plans by giving out "Save the Dates." I'm not sure if anyone actually believed we would go through with it.   We began to get excited as the plans for our life together materialized.  Michael went from commitment phobic boyfriend to happy fiancee. I still have no idea how it happened .  I teased about flying pigs and a possible head injury.


Michaels mom was happy for us. She congratulated us on what would end up being her last
Thanksgiving. She was always interested in hearing about our plans for the wedding. Her failing health began to take a turn for the worst. We prayed she would make it to June. We talked about moving up the wedding date before we could, sadly, she passed away three days before Christmas. Everyone was heartbroken.  Life without Mom Mom seemed impossible. She was one of the kindest people I have ever known . Joy and grief are not good bedfellows. Michael was broken in ways I have never seen in him.  The strength he showed when my boys passed, evaporated, black grief took over .

There were funeral arrangements to be made. The business of saying goodbye has a lot of uncomfortable details.  Mom was buried in the same cemetery as my boys . We used the same funeral home and the sons picked the same casket. I had to find strength remembering this wasn't about my boys , working not to let it all the loss commingle. I miss her too , I lost my friend my sweet friend.  Standing in the room with the caskets I felt as if I couldn't breath, memories rushing back.  I reached for Mike and realized he couldn't help scare away these demons. He was confronting demons of his own. There he stood pale,  grief stricken, looking lost,  his brothers the same.

Arrangements were made in the quiet right before Christmas. Each detail was carefully thought out. The brothers questioning what their mom would have wanted, what would their dad and sisters want?  Choices that held power , the last gift, they could give their beloved mom.  We buried Mom Mom on a cold grey December day. The grey didn't leave last winter. It hung is the air and in everyones heart. Family gatherings lost light and hope. Her absence was crushing.

In March Michael and I picked up the wedding plans again. The hollow feeling of those missing added to our stress. We had already reserved the venue and everything needed to be rushed to make our date. In the midst of grief ,work and wedding arrangements,  I got a call,  a child in my family needed a home. Michael and I talked and talked exploring the idea of raising a child at this late juncture. Family and friends offered lots of opinions, we listened but realized this is OUR life and no one could make this decision for us .  Heartfelt deliberation between Michael, my self and my family made room in our hearts for the decision to adopt.

We were immediately flung into a world of caseworkers, judges, background checks, court dates,  paper work, classes and home studies. Our home had to have major changes to accommodate a small child. Furniture, toys and clothing had to be procured quickly. It was overwhelming to say the least.


The wedding day came, it was beautiful a true expression of our deep love and commitment for each other. We had 10 children in our wedding party including our new little one.  The day was shared with our closest family and friends.  Our munchkin came on June 2nd,  3 days before the wedding.
She insisted on spending time with us begging to hang out while I put floral arrangements together.  She loved being  part of our wedding party. It was if she has always been a part of our lives. She immediately fell in love with our same age grandchildren and they fell right back. We began to bond as a family. She calls the wedding "Our wedding to be a family". We have no idea where she came up with the idea it was her wedding too,  but it works.

We celebrated her 5th birthday 10 days after she arrived.  Her first party with kids. A standard 5 year old Chuck E Cheese affair full or Frozen princess nonsense.  Not wanting to leave her behind our honeymoon has become a familymoon.  We are all going on a trip to Europe in a few weeks. Isn't it crazy how things can change in a blink?


Having her here brings up all manner of feelings and memories, my boys as little ones. The sound of a small voice in the morning takes me back.  Its bittersweet getting another chance to parent.

It makes the loss of the boys ever present but its also a huge blessing. I get to parent full time with Michael.  Watching him with her, brings me great joy. Losing the boys is a darkness I have learned to live with, I know it will always be there. What I also know is,  there is still joy to be experienced. I can be happy not the unbridled happiness of my youth but still true deep soul filled happiness.  I survived , we survived. here is to the next chapter.

Breath and Ramblings

We spent some time at the beach a few days ago. It's quiet there this time of year. I enjoy the solitude of an empty beach just birds and sand. Michael works and I wander the beach, feed the birds, read, write, shop and repeat. I was pulled from sad winter doldrums by the warm sun. I could see summer  peaking over the horizon, it felt good, then I stepped around the corner , a sharp icy cold breeze slapped my face and nipped at my lungs. In that split second,  I was reminded that nothing is permanent . What we think we can count on changes with the breeze.  We are all delicate fragile and leaving eventually.

Death always seems to surprise us. Intellectually we know were not staying forever and neither are our loved ones but we operate as if we are, at least I have to this point. Why are we here ? Where are we going? I have my own answers the ones that make sense and comfort me but I realize no one actually knows. There is a billion dollar industry full of people who will be happy to tell you the answer to life and the path to follow. I am not one of them. I am just here posing questions,  a mom deeply missing here children and trying to make sense of it all.

Later in the tub I watch my legs as I move them back and forth water swishing , warmth surrounding me.  I can move my legs now because I am here in my body, one day Ill be out of it and then I won't be able to move them. I will be in the next place. This thought astonishes me , even with all the death I have faced , this is the first time I've truly paid attention to the fragility of my own life. I spend so much time worrying about those around me leaving,  I have never stopped to think of the impact my death would have on my loved ones.

There is a deep wisdom in the realization of our interconnectedness ,  the vastness of love and all it embodies.  I find a kind of peace,  knowing one day I will see my boys,  in some way we will be reunited. There will be a time when everyone I know and love will be in the same place.

 Everyday it seems I heal more yet miss my boys more, the dichotomy of life.  It is never easy.  Somedays its hard work not to let bitterness creep in.  As I grow from this mind boggling pain ,I want so much to share the wisdom with my boys,  chat about all I have learned since they left. I want to see them smile , hear their laughter , share their life. They are amazing people, the hole left behind can never be filled.  I can't bring them back , all I can do is hold the love , let it sustain me and give as much love back as I am able. I know how blessed I am to have been able to love as I love them, all three of them. I will never stop longing for Gavin and Ryan but I know I was lucky also,  to have known them and to miss them so deeply. How hollow would life be without our deep connections.The pain would be less but so would the joy.

I am grateful to have David here with me , my beautiful boy,  right here where I can hug or talk to him,  grand children to make my heart swell and Michael to grow old with,  a little bit of grace. We are all moving forward together, not leaving the boys behind but rather incorporating their memory into the life we live now. This is  the best we can do. My sweet 5 year old grandson can already tell funny stories about his dad and uncles childhood. My granddaughter can point them out in photos. They live through all of us,  the love keeps them alive. Life is good, damn painful but still good.  I am sorry you have to be here reading this, looking for something to help. I hope this blog is a help in some tiny way.  I pray the memory of your dear ones brings you a small measure of peace.
Love and Light