Depression and Suicide - Let's change the story

I was in the middle of writing a post when a friend sent me a message. As soon as I opened it and saw a handsome local 13 year old boy peering back at me.  I had a sinking feeling. Its rare photos of children are messaged with good news attached. As I read I found out he was missing , he had run out of his home during a nasty storm, no one could find him.  I, like hundreds of other people, shared his picture on Facebook , hoping for a happy ending. I remember the terror , I had when I couldn't find Gavin. I could imagine the unrelenting fear these parents must be experiencing, a 13 year old is so young, my heart broke for them.  Looking into his sweet face on the computer I spoke to him. Go home,  your parents are so worried, they love you ...please go home little boy.

His parents were on television looking tired and worn. Their eyes showed the sleepless nights and insurmountable worry.  I hoped for them, prayed for them, feeling close to them even though we have never met. I could relate to their anguish. I prayed their story would have a different ending than mine. I hoped this sweet young man was just hiding at a friends house , safe and sound. I kept looking for good news, hoping for them. Sadly,  he was found near his home , it was suicide. A beautiful life, a loving family ,an unrealized future, another child gone too soon, a family torn by a silent killer.

The feeling of loss flooded over me. I just kept saying those poor parents over and over. I know the hell they are about to go through. I wished I could spare them . Instead I sent a message of condolence to his mom and included some of the resources that helped me. I wished there was something more substantial I could offer them. I wanted so much for their reality to be different.  Later, I found myself chastising insensitive comments on Facebook. Irritated with the ignorance and injustice of some supposedly well meaning people. I was speaking for this young man's family but I was also speaking for our family.

Online, parents admonished each other to hug their kids and not put too much pressure on them. One mom patting herself on the back for her decision to home school in a "no pressure" environment.  All of this subtly suggesting that they knew the intricacies of what happened to this young man, they had the answer. Their answer was, children who committed suicide must have been pressured or didn't receive enough unconditional love and hugs.  Sometimes the shaming and finger pointing is less subtle. Sometimes it presents itself in awful insensitive comments. Those comments are not only hurtful to the survivors they are hurtful to society at large.  They make it harder for those struggling to reach out. They shore up the stigma surrounding depression and suicide.

It isn't a question of good or bad parenting it's about resiliency. In some people the wounds from the world's slings and arrows don't heal they fester. Depression is an illness. Like every illness it has symptoms,often those suffering hide them. One of the symptoms is suicide or suicidal ideation. It can happen to anyone . Terrible parents and wonderful parents can have a suicidal child. When life is stressful it exacerbates the symptoms of depression.  There is no magic parenting method that gives a 100% safeguard against suicide.  We as a society can help. We can see depression just like other life threatening illness. Just like cancer the victims of depression do not have control over their disease. Like cancer depression needs treatment.

Lets have a conversation. Lets fund the prevention of suicide in the same way we fund other killers. Lets get everyone on board just like we have for breast cancer. I would love to see products, packages and merchandise emblazoned in turquoise and purple,  runs and benefits donating proceeds to this worthy cause. Can you even imagine wearing an "I am a survivor t-shirt " after a bout with depression ?

Suicide is the second leading cause of death among ages 25 to 35.  The third leading cause of death among ages 13 to 24. For every completed suicide there are 200 reported attempts, many others go unreported. Suicide doesn't just kill our youth,  suicide rates are highest among people ages 45 to 64. Suicide remains a hidden killer because families are often too ashamed to tell their story.

Can't we all stop looking for someone to blame, stop judging and instead start extending love, understanding and kindness. Let's make it safe to ask for help. Let's tell our own stories. If we can be there for each other we can make a true difference. Community can be life saving.

Gavin my son had a dream of having a foundation that used art work to ease suffering. His idea was that artists would donate work and it would be used on a variety of goods for sale. Gavin started his work before he died and now we will finish it starting with his art work.  We have recently started working on a 501 C 3 corporation called Art for Life Philadelphia. In memory of Gavin, Ryan, Ariah, Cayman, Ethan and all others gone to soon. The goal is to sell art work  donating 100% of the proceeds for mental health issues, family support, educational programs. We plan to participate in events to raise funds and awareness for suicide prevention and the treatment of mental illness. Our first scheduled event is the Out of the Darkness Community Walk in Philadelphia on October 4, 2015. Join us and get the first ever "Art for Life Philadelphia 'T-shirt.  Keep an eye out in the next coming months for the art filled web site and other events. We would love to have others join our team. There is no minimum donation.

I would greatly appreciate advice from anyone that has successfully raised funds or started a 501 c 3 non profit.  I am excited about the potential we all have to help.  I love seeing Gavin's dream come to life. Any and all ideas are welcome. Thank you for reading, your support to this online community is greatly appreciated.