The Rest of The Story - Suicide and Miracles

We will never know if Gavin was murdered or committed suicide. It haunts me , knowing the truth is so important to moving on. I watch other parents in limbo waiting to find their child's body or cause of death. I can relate to their pain , not knowing brings no closure,  no peace.

A year before Gavin passed he came home to spend the weekend with us. He had been severely beaten. I rushed him to the hospital. He protested , claiming it was random attack in a Target parking lot. I called the police and Target making huge fuss. All my mother bear instincts were on high alert. He later called an admitted he was beaten by his next door neighbors ,when he refused to lend them money. He was afraid I would try and force him to move , so he made up a ridiculous story. he hadn't expected me to call the police. Being persistent I eventually got the landlord to kick out the offenders based on their prior assault records. Gavin wouldn't file charges against them,  he was afraid of retribution. I added locks , mace and a door alarm to his apartment. He promised to no longer hang out with any neighbors.  I begged him to move home to the suburbs but He wouldn't.

 I was angry that Gavin lied to me . We didn't lie to each other. He spent his teen years telling me nearly everything. Sometimes more than I wanted to know. I was hurt,  I yelled at him on the phone.
Simultaneously he had a similar argument with his  girlfriend living in California. Gavin was very upset by our reactions.  I had filed a police report and the police were not the slightest bit happy about the false information. My sweet son just couldn't bear the burden of all this turmoil in his life. He owned up to the truth voluntarily but the police were less than kind.

David came home from school to find Gavin upset and crying. Gavin never cried. Gavy told Dave he just wanted to be left alone.  David went up to his room to play on his computer. Later he went to check on Gavin. Gavin seemed to have left. David called him but no answer, Dave searched,  he noticed the basement light on. We never left it on.  David found Gavin hanging from a rafter on a purple dog leash. David ran for a knife to cut him down while calling 911. Gavin wasn't responding. Dave did CPR until the paramedics arrived. They cleared a Super fresh parking lot for Life Flight , they took Gavin  the three blocks by ambulance to the waiting helicopter, leaving Dave home alone and shaken.

I  had just finished a lecture series for work. I was going out with colleagues to dinner . Then I got the call. My friend drove me. My car was far away at work. Dave didn't know where they had taken Gavy. They wouldn't say until he landed. The 911 operator told me to be patient . Seriously?  I protested, begged and pleaded to the 911 staff "Please tell me where they had taken my son. " I kept calling back. A sympathetic operator , a parent himself,  told me , most likely Gavin was headed to Temple. He risked his job giving me that information. I am forever grateful. We rushed to the unbearable stop and go traffic back into the city. It seemed like hours to get there. Not knowing if Gavin would be at Temple  I ran into the Er while my friend parked. The moment I stepped inside,  I saw the life flight stretcher in the hallway.  My heart nearly stopped. They wouldn't let me see Gavy , I begged and then screamed trying to force my way in. They held fast.

Mike arrived and used his calm no nonsense approach,  they finally relented. It was horrible,  Gavin was seizing and they couldn't stop it. Blood trickling from his nose, tubes and more tubes. His face purple with bruising and a horrible gnash at his neck. Nothing in nursing ever prepared me for this, nothing ever could have. I still see that day in my nightmares. A Dr greeted us and took me into a tiny room,  no chairs , a storage area full of stretchers. He explained without emotion Gavin was brain dead. The words crushed my soul , pain spewing out of me. I started to scream no no no .  Mike came in .  Mike ever the optimist wouldn't believe it. He could see Gavin alive and he still saw hope. My medical training gave me no reason not to believe, I had lost my oldest baby.

As the night wore on the seizures finally abated.  The Dr , positive Gavin was brain dead , did no further testing. They were keeping him alive , to harvest his organs. A transplant representative  spoke to me. I was in shock barely even there. Signing papers to donate organs of my beautiful boy.  I knew he would have wanted it that way. I Begged "God please, please bring him back,  if you are going to take him give me 1 more year,  please God just one more year, " I could have never lived knowing I yelled at him I would have forever believed it was my fault. Then it  happened,  a miracle.  A male nurse came to get us,   pulling me away from the man explaining transplant procedures. Gavin , was awake,  making the signs of wanting a cigarette. Two fingers poised at his mouth.  I have literally never been happier in my life.  I was happy to have him no matter what the cost , no matter how little of his brain was left. I also began to believe him when he said he couldn't quit smoking.

The long journey to recovery....
 Gavin was moved to  ICU for brain injuries. I spent days at work and nights in the hospital. Dave and Mike came with me each evening and all weekend. Gavin started to talk but thought he was in hotel on vacation. He couldn't remember names but had vivid childhood memories. Over time,  he got more lucid. He was still seriously injured but we had hope of recovery. When we left the room and came back he was happily surprised to see us "Hey why are you guys here? Want something to drink? " It always made me laugh, he was thrilled to see us. Tests and more tests revealed his brain had severe damage from anoxia. We clung to faith that he would get better , even if the Drs didn't agree. Mike was the cheerleader , he believed Gavin would be fine. One kind psychiatrist, sat with me often. He shared a story of unbelievable brain recovery. I repeated it in my mind ,when I lost hope.

One cold but sunny day,  Gavin proved , he was more clear thinking than anyone thought. He escaped the hospital making his way down 7 flights,  past security guards and busy hospital staff. He was wearing  just a short jacket, gown no pants,no shoes, bare backside.
He was eventually found,  outside smoking. He had bummed a cigarette , the man gave him his entire pack , then reported it to Temple security. We laughed heartily when we heard. The nurses were surprised , they expected us to be angry. To the contrary , Gavin doing exactly what Gavin wished was what we always expected. That was the strong willed young man we knew and loved.  The incident necessitated 24 hour in room supervision and nicotine patches to curb his desire.  The young nursing students given; the boring job ended up enjoying their time. Gavin flirted with them relentlessly. They laughed and smiled at his jokes. We were often surprised some flirted back. Even bruised Gavy was handsome and charming.

He couldn't categorize anything or count above 20 but his personality was shining through the fog. He told endless jokes with perfect timing. He wanted to come home. Drs agreed,  there really was nothing more they could do for him. Once at home, Gavin became a petulant child. He wanted to go back to work , drive, return to his apartment. He was furious when we couldn't let him. The best description of his behavior would be drunk toddler.  He needed undivided attention.  David was a senior in high school recovering from yet another surgery.  We decided a half day high school better suited Dave's health and he could be home with his brother more. Gavin didn't like any of the caregivers I hired. David and Gavin became closer than ever. Dave's schedule worked out well.   We worked everyday with Gavin on puzzles , workbooks, computer programs. We visited libraries and museums. We watched endless hours of history channel and discovery. I read him books on art , music and sharks his favorite subjects.

 Eventually he could read and use the computer . He quickly began to help himself. Each day a more miraculous recovery. The more he came back the more he knew he needed to work on his brain healing. Always a diligent student he poured himself into recovering .He began to understand what he had lost.  He worked feverishly to regain his life and independence. His physicians were amazed at his rapid recovery.

In a few months Gavy was able to return to work . They saved his job. He was a  supervisor of homes/programs for autistic children and adults. He adopted several new programs that helped with facilitated communication among the residents. Gave was popular at work.  He called if he ran into difficulties. He once remarked he wasn't as smart as he once had been but he was still smarter than most people. I laughed it was true.
I was constantly worried about him. I made him promise to call if anything was slightly wrong. When he moved back to his apartment I felt like I was walking on hot coals. I couldn't relax. I begged him to move to the suburbs and he finally agreed. His lease was up in June. We were looking for apartments. Since they were more expensive , I planned to chip in. Gavin's chosen profession helping special needs people was not well paid but he loved it.  He made a difference in their lives. They changed him for the better.

11 months and 2 weeks after Gavin hung himself in our basement , he didn't return my calls .
God gave me nearly the year I asked for and no more. Gavin was buried nearly one year to the day of the "accident" as we called it.
 I was so angry. I thought we had a life changing close call . I thought everything was fine again.  I console myself that I was given the opportunity to tell Gavin how much I loved him how proud I was, how important he was to us. We really became good friends not just mom and son. I enjoyed spending time with him. I miss him so much , my friend Gavy.  Those were great days, taking care of him. They seemed hard then ,  looking back it was a blessing.  I still smile remembering those times.

I was never prouder of any of my children then I was of Dave at that time. He never complained about helping with his brother.  A senior year in high school is full of fun but Dave missed most of it.
 Gavin and Dave have always been close. Gavin watched out for Dave all of his life. Dave born tiny and sick needed protection. They never fought, no normal sibling rivalry. Gavin was 5 years old when his 2lb 3oz brother was born. We went to the hospital everyday for months on end.
Gavin anxiously awaiting his baby brothers home coming.

Dave's entire life was spent in and out of hospitals.  He needed the lions share of attention. Our family circled around Dave and his medical issues. Everyone pitched in to make sure he took his medications without protest. Gavin helped Dave take his treatments, defended him against bullies and spent long hours at the hospital. Gavin loved his little brother.
Now, it was Dave's turn  to watch over Gavy.

Dave drove Gavin everywhere , often missing his own friends and events to hang out with his big brother. He idolized Gavin. Now our entire life revolved around helping Gavin. Dave never resented it. I would come home and find them laughing nearly everyday. It was nice to have Gavin back under our roof.  Dave still makes me laugh with funny stories about his adventures with Gavin.

As for the physician that told me my son was brain dead. He avoided me and refused to speak to me. I felt like I had to have a word with him. I called hospital administration. We spoke, he finally apologized. I let him know how devastating his ill founded news had been .  I calmly explained the horror of hearing your child is dead. I felt like we both grew in that moment. The psychiatrist that gave us so much support asked Gavin to allow him to speak about Gavin at a conference"The brains remarkable ability to heal." Gavin refused , embarrassed by his suicide attempt. Gavin would barely speak of it. Later when I called the psychiatrist  to let him know Gavin was gone , his voice broke on the phone. He called several times after to check on us. He cared, he helped.

So ,you are probably thinking , Gavin most certainly killed himself. Well, there is a twist , Gavin's apartment and been searched. The people in question knew do his previous suicide attempt. He had been punched,  blood spattered on his open text books. He was  studying for his grad classes and working on a new painting. He had put money down on a vacation.  There were threatening messages on his cell phone voice mail . There is more evidence that Gavy may not have killed himself but its better not to reveal it. I still have hope one day ,we will know for sure.  By all accounts Gavin was fine.  His friends thought he was ok. Now he's gone,  we may never know the whole truth. I have many versions and scenarios in my head. Dave and I sometimes talk about different possibilities. What we do know is , Gavin once tried to take his own life. That is heartbreaking , to think my sweet brilliant boy was ever that sad, that hopeless. I often ask myself  , how I went wrong.  How could such a wonderful compassionate man , not know,  how dear he was to the world? How could he be so confident while hiding great pain?

You may be wondering why I decided to reveal this painful chapter in our lives. Many people have advised me to keep this quiet. This is an uncomfortable topic. I believe this story needs to be told. As well as other stories like it. When Robin Williams died I was once again saddened by the thoughtless comments about suicide in the media and on social networks. I have received horrible comments from supposedly well meaning individuals. It is shocking , how cruel people can be. In my opinion, suicide isn't selfish , It does not mean a loved one wants to hurt us, it is a soul crying for relief , pain so great it seems like the only option. Often those that chose to leave us,  think they are doing us a favor. I hope to help destigmatize suicide.  It's not crazy people or weak people or depressed people it is  just people, our brothers ,sisters ,friends. They can be stable accomplished loving people, having a hard time. Sensitive compassionate people hiding in silence. If we open dialog and make it ok to talk about suicidal thoughts,  if we admit our own failings, if we realize anyone can get overwhelmed, if we care, then lives will be saved. Let's make mental illness just like any other illness , lets treat it with compassion.  Together we can make a difference. Together we can talk each other off the ledge.
Namaste