I'm still standing I guess theres nothing to do but keeping walking forward....

This is my first post thank you for joining me. If you are here because you have lost a child , I am so sorry, there are no words to express the compassion and empathy I feel for you. My hope is that through this blog there will be healing.  I pray my story helps you as others stories helped and continue to heal me.



This chapter of my story started in 2006 , when my oldest son was 24. I divorced in 1994 , the boys dad lived in California so it was just us , here in Pa. We were very close being in a new place without family or friends. Starting again together forged an exceptional bond. Gavin was the oldest and often took his little brothers under his wing. I relied on him he could always be trusted.
I was proud of Gavin and deeply enjoyed his company and opinions.  Gavin was bright accomplished and funny, really really funny.  I felt like I had done a good job . He was a good kind man.  We , my three boys, Michael my fiancee and myself were a family, although Michael never lived with us.  We spent lots of family time together. We became a part of Michaels large Italian family.  These were good days. I didn't know until later how good they were, how blessed I was then.

When the boys were 18, 19 and 24  Gavy would come home for a visits to catch up ,when he had a break from work.  He did just that one weekend in January, we hung out ,played board games , ate pizza, watched dumb movies, laughed , it was great.  The following  Friday I had a snow day off of work, Gavin and I got into a long discussion. I enjoyed that he was asking my advice. We were finally at the point where he liked my guidance.  Once we hung up I decided to call back , I rethought a comment ,  I had a weird feeling. Gavin didn't return my call. When his brothers called Saturday he still didn't return our calls.
It wasn't like him to ignore us. I was worried.  I drove to his apartment but he didn't answer the door. On Sunday I begged the police to open his apartment, they wouldn't. Everyone assumed he was with friends. When he didn't show up for work I knew something was terribly wrong.  We camped out at the police department insisting someone check on him. I was watching through the glass when I saw a woman stop laughing and look at directly at me. I knew then Gavy was gone. I saw the horror and pity in her face. The largest officer I have ever seen came out and took us into a court room. He simply said I'm sorry.  I don't remember screaming or going to the hospital but I couldn't stop screaming.

Our lives were plunged into unimaginable despair. I recounted in my mind over and over again our conversation . I couldn't understand what had happened.Was it something I said ? Was I to blame?Gavin was excelling at work, he loved caring for Autistic children and adults. he frequently brought a resident home for visits especially during the holidays.  He recently enrolled in grad classes and made a deposit on a vacation. He had money in the bank and his bills were paid. No drugs , no problems, a tidy apartment and plenty of friends. What happened to my son?  We will never know.  I mourned him by hibernating from the world.  I rarely wanted to leave my house. Nothing helped no one could help. I worked from home and refused most social engagements. There weren't enough tears . The white hot searing pain didn't ease.  I tried psychologists, books, groups all of it but the roller coaster of grief wouldn't let me off.

Casseroles , cookies and  friends came and went, after awhile no one knew what to say. Everyone wanted me back. I didn't know that girl anymore. Eventually,  I faked ok, so everyone could feel comfortable , but secretly wished I could join my beautiful boy. Life felt flat and flavorless. I was barely present.  I left my job, my church, my friends looking for a new normal. I got better at hiding the gaping wound but it just didn't heal.

I found a scientific spiritual study group. They met once a month for 8 hours there was home work and lots of discussions. It wasn't a grief group but I shared my pain and they listened without judgement.  Life started to get better. Telling the story honestly took a little of the sting out. I read other moms stories and chatted online to others that suffered before me. I finally felt myself looking forward to things and some of the darkness lifted. I reread some of the books I earlier tossed aside.
When the Bow Breaks  Forever by Judith R Bernstein resonated with me. I kept working, crying ,  reading praying I learned to live in the new normal. I found Comapssionate Friends and a UU minister Rev Ken,  that had sage advice. He seemed to understand what most others couldn't.

I started to smile when I thought of Gavy, his wit and charm warmed me .  I could talk about him without crumbling. There were still tears and bittersweet holidays but life was getting better.  My new life included lots of rescued farm animals, pottery and UU church involvement. Having someone need me again helped. My empty nest needed little ones to love.   I started to enjoy my boys again,  my middle son David got married and had a child. It was beautiful wedding. David has Cystic Fibrosis , a child for someone with his disease is rare. I didn't ever expect him to live long enough to get married. I felt blessed,  our grandson was a light a miracle , proof that we were moving forward that God wasn't cruel. The dark times still came but they were more manageable and less frequent. Mike and I planned to get married and I started to look forward to a different future.


















On August 12th 2011 my youngest son stopped by to see me. He was on his way to a party. It was rare for Ryan to just stop by I loved it. I warned him about drinking and driving.  He said "Mom no worries I am staying over."  He hugged me and said I love you mom", also rare.  Alcohol, drugs and antidepressants don't mix, Ryan passed in his sleep at his friends house. He was 24.  I was walking my dogs enjoying a beautiful day at a lake, when Mike called. He told me to come home , I thought my horse had been hurt. Ryan's  friends had called David . David went alone, shouldering it all by himself, before telling me. He saw his lifeless brother and collected Ryan's things from the police.  He still has the wounded look, I saw in his eyes, that first day. Ryan and David were 10 months apart,  same grade,  best friends. Gavin used to call them Dav-Ryan because he said they weren't actually two people but rather one.
                                                                                                                                 

                                                                 

                                                                  



Ryan's death was a concussion bomb , everything we built since Gavy passed,  imploded.  I missed my baby.  I didn't know if I could go on. It felt so unfair to lose two children. I was sad and angry.  I didn't know if I wanted to even try to heal this time.   I forced myself to pay attention,  digging  into all the resources I knew existed.   I promised myself that I wouldn't miss  my grandchildren's childhood mourning the children I couldn't get back. I missed so much of Ryan's life wishing Gavin was there and  I wasn't going to repeat that mistake again.


I take my grief work , as seriously as I have anything in my life. At the darkest times I didn't want to live,  so I saw a Dr , I shared the embarrassing truth. It helped. He helped , he had also lost a child. It's been 3 years now , the pain is sometimes unbearable but I promise it does get better.   I'm here I'm alive , I have a beautiful son, daughter in law  2 precious grandchildren and a great partner in Mike. My life is rich , not pain free but it's good. I've gained a lot from this journey and I take nothing for granted now. 

There is life after losing a child or children. Reach out, ask for help,  were here the soldiers that went before you.  We the members of this community are strong even if we don't know it.